the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
