and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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