I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
