Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
