I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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