I seem to have left my pride at pride
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
