dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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