What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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