I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
