I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
