May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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