My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
