I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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