If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
