not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
