Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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