we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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