wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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