on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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