The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
