last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
