My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
How does one acquire holy water?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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