fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
