I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
