dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
