legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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