As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
