Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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