lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
