Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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