As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
