Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
