Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
