Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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