she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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