She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
