I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
