I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you will always have a special place in my vag
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
