I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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