Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
