I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
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she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
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I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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