Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
