I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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