God gave him joint rollers for hands
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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