so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
