We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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