If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
