I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
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