we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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