My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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