I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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