I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
