Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
