Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
