I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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