Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
