Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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