I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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