wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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