Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Randomize
