Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He better not be in your backpack
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
